Inner struggle

Everyone has their weakness. Even the strongest people can collapse. I’ve struggled with many things, up to the point of being suicidal. I would walk alone by a river near my house after work and contemplate on the choices I’ve made in my life and the regrets I’ve had to face. But I kept going no matter what. For a couple of years in my life, when I’ve had those close to me vanish from my life, good friends die, and loved ones turn against me, I told myself, “what did I do wrong?”. I would not get too close to people I’ve met and not let myself get attached to anyone because it has always been the case that those close to me get hurt. I would snap and get physical. I suppose the emotional pain that I’ve caused hurt more than the physical ones. It’s funny to think so since I’ve made good friends while I was going through this and they stayed, through thick and thin. They don’t know what I’ve been through. Somehow I look simple and harmless, but it’s the rage inside that I managed to keep in a cage. I think that’s probably why I kept going even when I was on my knees. You wouldn’t know my problems nor is it important for anyone to know. But I feel I need to let this out of my chest for once; let this be my next chapter of happiness. I suppose certain events happened over the years that made me believe again. The world is a cruel place. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t good people. Everyone you meet is facing a battle that you won’t understand; even if they may be happy on the outside the same can’t be said on the inside. I suppose I still have some sort of hope that I wish to fulfil no matter how hard it will be so. It would be selfish of me to be gone and have my close ones suffer. God has His plans and I’m here to be a witness to the fulfilment of my own destiny. I suppose that I’m trying to portray is the uniqueness of life itself, that though hell has been released to you – & you may feel alone in this – know that it’s what everyone is facing and that each of us are working on destroying the horror that’s holding us back.

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